Why You Should Invest Your Time in a Men's Circle
And What Makes a Good Men's Circle Good
Men’s work has many flavors these days. Thanks to organizations like Sacred Sons and the Mankind Project, we have access to multi-day retreats that incorporate initiatory experiences with relational work, intending to provide a space for transformation, brotherhood, and healing.
While I think this is, by and large, a good thing, I’m skeptical of the effectiveness of these “peak experience” and even “workshop” style events to create lasting accountability and alignment.
This is speaking as someone who has organized and led full-day men’s retreats and workshops.
Men’s circles provide a low (or no) cost container for men to share what’s happening in their lives, hold each other accountable, and ask for help with the things that keep them from showing up in their power and presence.
But what makes for a good men’s circle? Who should facilitate them? How should they be organized?
And why do so many men say they want what they provide, only to consistently turn down opportunities to be part of them?
In this essay, I’ll explore why men’s circles are an asset worth investing in and why every man should create space to gather with a group of men regularly.
Why should you join a men’s circle?
Spoiler alert: Men are full of shit most of the time, and we need other men that we trust to reflect when we are or are not in integrity.
Even the most confident and abiding among us struggle to know the right thing to do most of the time, and the relational dynamics provided by a men’s circle allow us to hear the perspectives of other men and clarify what we want and what we need to do.
We all stray from the path and men’s circles help us regain our direction and align with our purpose more consistently.
David Deida, in, The Way of the Superior Man, advocates for all men to meet with the men in their lives at regular intervals. For him, an accomplished Yogi, teacher, and spiritual devotee, self-deception is a problem that we must account for if we are to rise above mediocrity.
Deida recommends meeting with a group of men that you trust once per week. If you don’t have a group of men in your life that you trust to give you honest and helpful reflections, find or create one.
We cannot see the ways we sabotage ourselves as easily as other men can. By committing to meeting with men regularly, you create a container for support and accountability that allows you to focus on finding your deepest purpose and building a life to support it.
What if I don’t think I need a men’s circle right now?
You might be saying, “I’m happy with the path that I’m on, I’ve got a good life, my work is meaningful and contributing to the type of world I want to live in. I don’t think I need a men’s circle!”
All the more reason ;)
The worst time to look for a men’s group is when you really need one. It might be the need that triggers you to finally organize it, but it is unwise to wait until you are in the midst of a crisis to find a support group of any kind.
Seeking support is most effective and earnest when you don’t obviously need it.
This is a long life, with ups and downs, ebbs and flows. As certain as you will recover from your low points, you will fall from grace, too.
What you’re really doing when you show up consistently is investing your time and energy into a container that can hold you in all of life’s ups and downs.
You’re building continuity, bonds, and trust with a group of men so that when you need support, you know you have it, and you don’t have to start from the beginning.
You can move right into the heart of the matter.
Like your IRA or 401(k), the value of your circle compounds over time and every time you show up. The more you show up and are present with other men, the bonds will strengthen, trust builds, and you will get better at asking for (and receiving) the type of support you really need, and you will learn to show up better for the people in your life.
And, the men will start to understand the best way to support you, which is often not the way you think you need support.
What if I have a loving and supportive relationship where I can process my feelings openly?
(While I recognize different sexual orientations and an array of gender identities, I’m going to keep this relatively simple by focusing on heterosexual relationships between cis-gendered men and women, to illustrate a point. My experience is much of it applies beyond that, but I’m going to use that language because it is simpler and more familiar for me.)
As a man, it’s unwise to openly process ALL of your emotions with the woman you are in a romantic relationship with.
Many modern women lament having to be the therapist to the men in their lives. And many men don’t really want to see therapists.
(As one man said to me, “Men’s groups offer men a unique solution that therapy alone cannot - the potential to build a community of men who will lift them, challenge them, and support them in times of need throughout their lives”)
Men’s circles help to take the emotional strain off of a romantic relationship. If I am struggling with work or worried about money, sharing that with my romantic partner might undermine her confidence in me, causing her to worry.
Many men shoulder this burden alone. They “protect” the women in their lives from their struggles, at least in part, because they recognize it’s not helpful for everyone in their house to worry about it.
The way men support each other and the way women support their men is different. Men hold each other accountable by pointing out that they’re not living up to their potential, they’ve fucked up, and they ask them the hard questions so that the women in their lives don’t have to.
This clears up the romantic relationship, allowing for a man to speak in terms of action - ie. “here’s the plan I have to make sure we have enough money, I’d love to get your feedback and clarify our individual roles” - without requiring the woman to hold emotional space.
Men’s groups are good for men holding each other accountable, and this means that, hopefully, the women in their lives don’t have to.
This preserves attraction and romance.
For me, I know that every other week (at least) I will have the opportunity to ask a group of men with whom I am honest and building trust for support.
And that means I don’t need to clutter my romantic relationship with as much of my stuff.
The Ingredients for a Successful Men’s Circle
Accessibility
No one should have to pay to be part of the men’s circle. The best setup I have found for meeting in person is to rotate between people’s homes. This avoids having to pay to rent a space and allows for a more personal and often more comfortable setting. It gives men a chance to open their homes in a proverbial “show and tell”.
Renting cheap space can work if that is not an option, but the responsibilities for doing so should be distributed among the group. Men would be wise to collect payment upfront for a 3-6 month period so that they don’t have to assign treasury roles, which could create resentment and power differentials that would compromise the effectiveness of the circle.
Any resources needed for the group should be paid for by everyone.
Commitment
It should be assumed that everyone will be able to attend each week. Opting out should be the exception, not the norm. You can revisit these commitments at certain intervals to make sure they are still supportive. It would be unwise to do a men’s circle without some assurances of attendance.
Agreements
Effective men’s circles have clearly articulated agreements and norms that the group agrees to follow. Typical agreements are that you arrive on time, are sober, do not advertise your business, don’t give unsolicited advice, and keep everything confidential.
The agreements should be subject to open debate and clarification among the group with options to revisit them.
You might also establish norms around communication outside the group.
Continuity
The longer you are in your men’s circle, the more effective it becomes. Efforts should be made by everyone to maintain continuity both in members and format.
Shared Leadership
Everyone in the group should assume responsibility for the outcomes. No one is “along for the ride”. Every man is an active participant who has innate leadership qualities. It is not one man’s job to enforce the rules. It is everyone’s job to be familiar with the rules, operate within them, and step up when a line appears to have been crossed.
Men who wish to facilitate should be given opportunities to do so. Each circle should create clear expectations for the skills needed for facilitation and any training requirements should be decided upon as a group.
Even if there are obvious power dynamics or social hierarchies, men’s circles should allow everyone to lead.
Accountability
There should be consequences for breaking rules and agreements. If a man is perpetually late, the circle should call him into accountability and ask if he is committed to the circle. If he is not, there is a space for clearing baked into the format so he can clarify how the circle is not meeting his needs or expectations and ask for a change to support him.
Furthermore, suppose a man has identified goals and decisions but consistently chooses to prioritize other actions. In that case, it is the group's responsibility to name that and get curious about why that is.
If a man is consistently out of accountability with the group, then a plan should be conceived for him to regain accountability or for him to exit the group.
Men who are out of accountability weaken the integrity of the container.
Emergent Masculinity
What began as a series of single-day retreats quickly became an experiment in Community Building. Why?
For me, I recognized that I didn’t want to be the guy who had to keep it all together and hold the context for the entire group every time. I needed a group of men with whom I could be just one of the guys.
And I had built a community in the past. I learned from some of those blunders and clarified the approach that worked best for me.
Community and customers are not the same thing. I recognized that a good community was not about making money. The community is the asset. It is the value. It is not a group of potential clients. It supports me too.
But I wanted standards. I didn’t want just a social club. Just being men, together, isn’t interesting to me.
And I was dissatisfied with the quality of my male friendships. I needed a community of men with whom I could be honest and where I felt seen and heard.
Misunderstanding is a major wound of mine, and for me to feel safe in community, Relational Intelligence had to be a top priority. We had to care about connecting, opening our hearts, being vulnerable, hearing each other, resolving conflict effectively, AND taking action.
I built this community because I needed it. I care deeply about it because it offers me support I have never had before. I’ve cried in a circle as I share my pain.
I built this community because I believe that it’s not easy being a man with an open heart. I believe that men will not find their way without a support system to remind them of who they are and what they are about.
The vision for participation in this community hinges upon the success of the Men’s Circles. They are the foundation that makes everything else sweeter and more meaningful. We are creating a group, made of smaller groups that have self-organized and are self-led.
There’s always a million reasons to skip the circles. We’re all busy. We all have other obligations. And yet, every man who comes is always glad they did.
If you create the space and make attending a men’s circle a priority, you will build the bonds necessary to navigate all of life’s ups and downs.
How to get involved
Right now, it is my mission to help as many men who want a men’s circle to find one. If you want a men’s circle, reply to this email and let me know why you want one.
If you know a man who wants this, forward this to them and invite them to reach out too.
And I’ll do my best.
This is not a business. No one is making money off this. No one is advertising their services here.
We’re just showing up as consistently as possible, with as much integrity as possible.
And trusting that.